Week 6, 7 and Ate! Did you see how I did that there? Did ya see that?

Heyooo! We are BACK! In Action. That’s right folks after a 3 week hiatus from posting a lot has happened in the Pool Boys league. The Re-Up has started, many partiers have gone out. I do sincerely apologize though. After being out of work for over 2 weeks I had a lot of catching up to do. But I’m finally caught up on work, reports, travel, the pick em choices and most importantly; 25 years of sexual frustration.

So for at least this week we won’t have anyone posting who can actually kill a man or another poster who has the technical competency of JaMarcus Russell. Bobby, are we all sure you weren’t actually the guy Galmiche talked about in the Coffee factory when being taught how to use a computer and double handed a mouse? After your lack of capability to A) use a computer, B) post something on a site, C) Having to type it with another partier because you have the typing speed of an impoverished Somalian, I’m not too sure. All of this was very confusing… granted, we were all shocked that you made it past realwinner109 and other hidden AIM screenames for keeping the watch out on certain Jesuit women, (the name you ask? Bobbys Perch)and are now capable of using something as comprehensive as GMAIL. Either way…the job got done and I thank you.

Week 6

Quick Recap

17 people are still partying
15 people have a strike against them
2 people are flawless
2 people got a strike this week
9 people are F’in Out!

Pick of the Week!

I don’t care if this man lost, he picked!!! Purcell did it! He did it! Purcell did it! That’s right folks, after a 2 week hiatus Purcell got his pick in this week. He of course originally took the Packers and had already used them so he did what Ryan normally does when he’s pressed. Starts flailing around and dripping at incredibly fast speeds around his hea…. oh wait, no that’s when he plays basketball. Anyways it’s a great metaphor for his life; when in doubt PANIC and Ryan did by picking the Lions against the Niners. Which reminds me, welcome back to 1993 everybody, when these teams last meant anything.

Honorable Mention: ME! For sweating it out with the Bungles.

Worst Pick of the Week

Ben Clark! This one feels exceptionally good folks. While making demands and asking to have a higher betting circle Ben Clark is finally out. Not only that, he didn’t even Re-Up after making the majority of the suggestions. I’ll tell you what Ben, since you never paid; because you’re either incapable or too broke you can pay $60 to join next year so that maybe we can actually meet your high rolling standards. The run was fun while it lasted, although I’m fairly convinced you and Bobby Rob Catellano’d week 5 with that Seahawks pick. There was definitely money exchanging hands while I was out.

Honorable Mention: Ryan “Panic” Purcell

The Picks

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Raiders		1 Strike
Marcus Arnold	Raiders
Phil Barry	Packers		1 Strike
Paul Barth	Steelers		1 Strike
Justin Belding	Raiders		1 Strike
Joe Church	Raiders		1 Strike
Ben Clark	Saints	Loss	F'in Out
Kevin Clark	Out		1 Strike
Sam Finley	Raiders		1 Strike
Dan Fitzpatrick	Out		F'in Out
John Galmiche	Out		F'in Out
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs			1 Strike
Neil Jubitz	Out		F'in Out
Pat Kelly	Packers
Nick Lamb	Packers		1 Strike
Ryan McAndrew	Bengals		1 Strike
Drew Millar	Raiders		1 Strike
Matt Nichols	Out		F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Jets		1 Strike
Ryan Purcell	Lions	Loss	1 Strike
Kyle Shultz	Out		F'in Out
Dan Stone	Falcons		1 Strike
Trent Striplin	Ravens		1 Strike
Erik Weiss	Out		F'in Out
Paul Wilson	Out		F'in Out
Michael Zahler	Out		F'in Out

F’in Out Time

Sorry guys I kind of already blew my load a bit prematurely on this one in the worst pick of the week section. It’s sadly been a very tough trend to buck the last month…

Week 7!

Frankly this week bored me, which is for the most part why I didn’t write a post. That and I was tremendously hurt by Ben and Bobby’s duo update from week 5. You’d be NOTHING WITHOUT ME. NOTHING! Anyways, only 1 person lost so I’m going to be brief

Quick Recap
17 people are still partying
16 people have a strike against them
1 person is flawless
1 person got a strike this week
9 people are F’in Out!


Pick of the Week!

No one. We all picked the Cowboys and Saints. THAT was it. I’ll give some credit to Marcus though. May be the only time he ever makes this column, because as Bobby said his boldest moves are when he actually makes a choice on which condiments to use. However, Marcus is the last man standing without a scar. Congrats Marcus, you are in the driver’s seat. Your’s to lose at this point.

Worst Pick of the Week

Pat Kelly! Woof! Next to when the Seahawks and Browns just kicked a box back and forth at one another for an hour this was the worst game I’ve seen in the NFL this year. Promptly after this frustrating football weekend for Pat he drove to La Center after nose blasting a couple 8 balls and took a ride on the Phoenix for about 12 straight hours. No seriously, he didn’t gamble he just rode the top of that neon sign the whole time pulling down heaters.

Here are the Picks and then I’m moving on to week 8.

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Saints		1 Strike
Marcus Arnold	Cowboys
Phil Barry	Cowboys		1 Strike
Paul Barth	Saints		1 Strike
Justin Belding	Saints		1 Strike
Joe Church	Cowboys		1 Strike
Ben Clark			F'in Out
Kevin Clark			F'in Out
Sam Finley	Cowboys		1 Strike
Dan Fitzpatrick			F'in Out
John Galmiche			F'in Out
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs			F'in Out
Neil Jubitz			F'in Out
Pat Kelly	Ravens	Loss	1 Strike
Nick Lamb	Cowboys		1 Strike
Ryan McAndrew	Cowboys		1 Strike
Drew Millar	Cowboys		1 Strike
Matt Nichols			F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Cowboys		1 Strike
Ryan Purcell	Cowboys		1 Strike
Kyle Shultz			F'in Out
Dan Stone	Cowboys		1 Strike
Trent Striplin	Cowboys		1 Strike
Erik Weiss			F'in Out
Paul Wilson			F'in Out
Michael Zahler			F'in Out

Week 8

F this week. F Drew Bree’s and definitely F the Saints. I don’t know what happened with him and his receivers after absolutely shalacking the Colts. It should have been a sure thing, but nooooooo. Maybe him and the team had a rough week? A falling out of some sort? Maybe it was over an adult game of twister? I don’t know! I’m not here to speculate! What I do know is that game was sloppier then Sarah Palin’s nether regions and I’m NOT too happy about it…Here’s the recap

12 people are still partying
11 people have a strike against them
1 person is flawless
3 people got a strike this week
14 people are F’in Out!

Pick of the Week!

My Cold. Black. Heart. Really doesn’t want to even right this anymore. Dan Stone. Yay.

Worst Pick of the Week

Phil and I for picking the Saints. We got a strike using the Giants together and now were heading out by picking the Saints together. Lame. Every time I completely vajeened out in this league I got hosed for it, but I guess that’s what you get when you pick the Titans in the Re-Up because you were a little worried they would knock you out. Don’t hedge your bets, dooooon’t you do it.

The Picks!

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Ravens		1 Strike
Marcus Arnold	Niners
Phil Barry	Saints	Loss	F'in Out
Paul Barth	Giants	Win	1 Strike
Justin Belding	Giants		1 Strike
Joe Church	Texans		1 Strike
Ben Clark			F'in Out
Kevin Clark			F'in Out
Sam Finley	Niners		1 Strike
Dan Fitzpatrick			F'in Out
John Galmiche			F'in Out
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs			F'in Out
Neil Jubitz			F'in Out
Pat Kelly	Giants		1 Strike
Nick Lamb	Niners		1 Strike
Ryan McAndrew	Saints	Loss	F'in Out
Drew Millar	Niners		1 Strike
Matt Nichols			F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Ravens		1 Strike
Ryan Purcell	No Pick	Loss	F'in Out
Kyle Shultz			F'in Out
Dan Stone	Bengals		1 Strike
Trent Striplin	Titans		1 Strike
Erik Weiss			F'in Out
Paul Wilson			F'in Out
Michael Zahler			F'in Out

F’in Out Time!

As Zahler would say drunkenly at a bar one night “That’s me, That’s me, Thaaaat’s me!!!” If you haven’t caught on from all my moping yet, I’m out this week. That’s right; the guy who puts the league together and writes all the post (errr…most of the posts) is out. You all are lucky there is a Re-Up going on, because right now I’m about as willing to jump into Caitlin Keyes bearded clam then to write another one of these posts. Start losing folks! Or you’re going to get more I’m on the edge of the roof posts like this after doing nothing for 3 weeks. Ryan Purcell also went out this week. Hurray! Ryan didn’t pick for perhaps the 7th week in a row so the league and its followers should all be happy that justice was served. Last but not least Phil Barry also went out. He said he was going to go dive into some bearded clams too…I don’t blame him.

That’s a rap for this week folks. I’ll make a side bar for the Re-Up soon. If you haven’t joined yet and made a correct pick this week I’ll allow you in this next week and that’s it. $20 buy in, 1 strike, all teams are back. Pat Kelly is already F’in out; if only this would happen in the regular league…

For the rest of you in the Re-Up I need some dolla bills ya’ll!

Brian Olsen OUT!

Week 5 - Bobby and Ben Share a Dialogue

Couldnt do a blog. Too many technology problems. Here's a long email with a spreadsheet attached instead. Scroll down if you want to skip the bullshit. Forward to anybody missing.

WEEK 5 UPDATE: THE DAY SHIT GOT REAL

Bobby: I'm going to need some backup on this one....

Ben: Yep, I’ll be the “Wildcat” back, a la Eric Crouch, to Bobby’s Chad Pennington this week…and in case you’re wondering what happened to that Great White Hope (Crouch), he’s splitting snaps with Jeremiah Massoli chucking ducks to Noel Divine and Maurice Clarett…I know this because last Saturday I invested the initial three hours of my night reeling on MDMA at Sam Boyd Stadium watching the Jim Tressel-lead Locos fend off the Nighthawks of Omaha. Yikes.

Bobby: Ben, I feel like I’m the only one who knows anything about you anymore… the only person who knows that any winnings you take from this pool are going straight up a straw.

Ben: What can I say, I like to party... I’m kicking my portion of this week’s blog off by responding to McAndrew’s selection of my Week 3 pick of Patriots over Bills as the worst pick of the week. It’s an understatement to say I deserve the crown as those faggots from Beantown not only butt-fucked me in the pick ‘em pool, but also on a parlay:

(INSERT PHOTO OF BEN'S PARLAY TICKET)

however, BigMac chose to take things to the next level in a feeble attempt to rouse my social media demons lying dormant with such buzzwords as: “death threat,” “Claire Hanway.” and lastly “Kim Cassinelli.” Perhaps I am alone in this school of thought as it IS my first season in this League, but already the blog’s weekly formula for cheap laughs seems comparable to that same shitty formula employed by the creative minds behind Entourage in its declining seasons.

Check it out: an episode of Entourage equals an $80k+vehicle, a cum-dumpster with tit and/or taint shot, a B-list celebrity, a B-list athlete, and a hipster drug reference. One of Ryan’s posts equals a ripped off Bill Simmons reference (pool bloggers nodding vigorously), a reference to an obscure slot receiver and/or running back from the late 90’s/early 2000, another reference to a novel Metro League athlete and/or All Star from a Jesuit yearbook, and lastly a ripped off Bill Simmons reference (pool bloggers still nodding vigorously).

Ryan, your analogies are about as forced as my CYO layups and your support for those analogies makes about as much sense as me trying to walk Karen Love through how Ben Clark FOIL’s binomials.

Bobby: First off, calling out Ryan for ripping off Simmons is ironic considering we stole this “back and forth” format from Bill’s interviews with Cousin Sal. Second, only SOME of us ponied up 20 bucks. Go on Wikipedia and print out the instructions for buying a stamp and get a check in the mail before Ryan kicks your ass out.

Ben: I's kidding, that formula is why we all ponied up a mere $20 in the first place. Paige Lee. Back to football. Julianne Lewis.


Bobby: Right. This week wasn't all that funny. Dan Fitzpatrick killed Al Davis. I literally read that post 30 minutes before seeing that Al had spun his dradle for the last time and was now measuring 40 times from the big kibutz in the sky. You have blood on your hands, Dan. Seriously, I haven't felt that bad since I went to dinner at JOPA before Homecoming and caught a glimpse of Bennet Heames wearing a greasy smock, sweating like he had just blew up a 23 Blast on the scout team. Here I was trying to bust a slump in my dockers and rayon tie, and he was stuffin' cannellonis in a freaking kitchen. God bless the poor kids at Jesuit.

Ben: Dockers? Rayon tie? You’re a list of fashion fumbles! Sounds like Junior year Bobby could have benefited from the Van Heusen Institute of Style…sure you come as a shlub…but you leave, with SWAGGER. Khakis to JOPA? You left it open over the middle? What a shlub! I suppose all that really matters is you had enough pocket presence to let your Honey Badger loose in the ever-so-small backseat off the mootang. Parisa Javedani.

Bobby: On to the picks: if there are any problems or irregularities, contact Ryan. I won't lie, I was about as organized this week as a NCAA pool run by Ben Clark and Rob Castelllano.

Ben: Ghost of Lauren Alcantar


Bobby: You stay classy. Picks! (OPEN THE SPREADSHEET NOW!)


F'IN OUT!
Dan Fitzpatrick
John Galmiche
SF Heinrichs
Neil Jubitz
Kyle Shultz
Paul Wilson
Mike Zahler

You woats took one look at the "Latest Line" in Tuesday's Oregonian and went with Eli and Co. I'll admit that it looked good (NFC worst team going east against a 3-1 team), but it never passed the smell test. Unfortunately, losing in Week 5 doesn't even net you a set of steak knives. Your "prize" is a date with some autistic cub scouts and Marcus's cousins (2:10) at the next filming of Ramblin' Rod!

Pick Of The Week:

Ummm Ben Clark? Sure, Justin taking the 0-4 vikings had that "I don't give a fuck", homeless-chic thing going for it, but Ben's pick was downright cold. That pick had "fuck you guys, I dont want to hear from any of you for another 5 years" written all over it. And the delivery! Sure, that picture email was a little late. 9:59 would have been funnier. But he beat the deadline and told me he was going SEAHAWKS before kickoff. Amazing.

Ben: The buy-in was only $20…why not run the chuck and pray under the assumption everyone else would be wrong? Sending a picture of my Squawks moneyline ticket @+350 felt that much better.

WHERE WE STAND:

Ladies and Gentlemen, only Marcus, Ryan Purcell, and Pat Kelly remain flawless. Marcus hasnt made a bold move since he ordered honey mustard with his chicken fingers three years ago. Ryan Purcell hasn't made a pick in two weeks. And Pat Kelly... God bless pat kelly.

Week 4 Update: Funny Picture Time!

Note: I contacted McAndrew's ghostwriter to have them take care of this update, but had to decline their asking price of three elephant tugs and a Houdini (and that's after I'd talked them down from the original price). A man's gotta have standards. Sadly, you're stuck with me this week.

Vince Young: Expert on impaired brain function

Seriously, Eagles? I don't think they could have shit the bed harder if they'd filled the Gatorade coolers with Exlax. Nnamdi Asomugahwahgwahghhwhgh? Garbage. Ronnie Brown? Fumble-spiked the ball like he was Jeff Nilsen with a burrito. Mike Vick? Terrible, probably still concussed from two weeks prior. I wish I'd seen this article before I picked them last weekend. Yep, they had Vince Young monitoring Vick for concussion symptoms, and they came away with this neat little zinger:

"We’ll defer comment on the wisdom of asking a guy with a single-digit Wonderlic score to monitor the functioning of someone else’s brain."

Um, you know what's more damning than a low Wonderlic score? Being the guy who was so terrible and depressed they had to call his coach to help find him because he was hysterical and suicidal, like Ben Clark after a 15-minute lapse in responding to a text. Please, put that guy in charge of Vick's health.

16 minutes and Ben's already reaching for a length of rope

Devoted animal rapist...

...with tiny, tiny hands. The bastard.

Well in any case, Vince's Dream Team cost me, Zahler, and Neil strikes this week. And it hurts. Bobby emailed and texted how pumped he was about finding out who picked the Eagles against his Niners, so I know he was gleefully peeing or shitting all over the place like a busted sprinkler (Bonus quote from McAndrew: "My last image of my wedding reception was when we pulled out of the parking lot and saw Bobby--dong in hand--pissing in public with a fat stogie in his mouth"). But even worse is knowing that Alex Smith is the queerbait who cost us the week.

Speaking of queerbaits--anybody catch Curtis Painter in his postgame interview? If Kurt Cobain and Tobey Maguire had a son and that son loved getting rammed by dudes, you would have...well, this guy.

Post-game, where Curtis Painter bent over and took some more.

Enough pictures of effeminate men--now, to the picks!

Quick Recap

23 people are still partying

13 people have a strike against them

10 people are flawless

1 person forgot to pick this week (Purcell)

4 people got a strike this week

3 people are F'in Out!

Picks of the Week

Paul Wilson and Drew Millar. Not because their picks were terribly original or ballsy but because when we were all in Abe's apartment at 3 am after McAndrew's wedding, I asked if they'd sent me their picks. They realized they hadn't, picked up their phones, drunkenly explained to me all their rationale for their picks, and then promptly texted those picks to...McAndrew. So here's to you, gentlemen; you can make winning picks while completely drunk off your ass and sending them to the wrong person while the right person was in the room with you. Take those skills to Vegas--only good things will happen!

Worst Pick of the Week

Kevin Clarke. Of all the weeks to jump on the Ryan Fitzpatrick, World Beater (Praised be His Name) and Co. bandwagon, you picked the wrong one. In a matchup that pitted the Bills' then-no. 1 offense (yes, really) against the Bengals' currently no. 1 defense (yes, really), Kevin chose the bigger loser, falling to a soulless ginger QB and paddling off into the sunset and out of this year's pool for good. Which brings us to...

F'in Out!

Goodbye Kevin, we'll miss all the good times we had together. I'll personally never forget your charming smile, or the way you flat-backed Phil in last year's Holiday Bowl so that he immediately began plotting your violent murder under the lights during this year's game. Have sympathy not for the man, but for his football team. The Vikings finally got rid of Brett Favre's corpse, tricked Seattle into signing Tarvaris Jackson, drafted a QB in the first round, traded for Donovan McNabb and yet still somehow ended up with...pretty much Tarvaris Jackson again. And now Kevin's got them for the rest of a long, long season and no more pool boys to party with. Game over man, GAME OVER!:

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Packers	Win
Marcus Arnold	Bucs	Win
Phil Barry	Bears	Win
Paul Barth	Bucs	Win	1 Strike
Justin Belding	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Joe Church	Bucs	Win
Ben Clark	Packers	Win	1 Strike
Kevin Clark	Bills	Loss	F'in Out
Sam Finley	Falcons	Win
Dan Fitzpatrick	Eagles	Loss	1 Strike
John Galmiche	Bucs	Win	1 Strike
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs	Packers	Win	1 Strike
Neil Jubitz	Eagles	Loss	1 Strike
Pat Kelly	Saints	Win
Nick Lamb	Bucs	Win
Ryan McAndrew	Bucs	Win
Drew Millar	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Matt Nichols			F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Ryan Purcell	Ravens (no pick)	Win
Kyle Shultz	Bears	Win	1 Strike
Dan Stone	Bucs	Win	1 Strike
Trent Striplin	Bucs	Win
Erik Weiss			F'in Out
Paul Wilson	Saints	Win	1 Strike
Michael Zahler	Eagles	Loss	1 Strike

Odds and Ends:

--Bobby Philbrook will be your stand-in Poolmaster next week. Please send all picks to him at robert.philbrook@gmail.com or text them to 503-998-5979. Kudos to Phil, Barth and Zahler for already sending me in picks; I've forwarded it to Bobby.

--I'm here in Detroit tonight, home of the currently undefeated Lions. Too bad the city is trying to screw everything up for them.

-- I know they seem much better this year and McFadden is a beast but here's my philosophy: Don't pick the Raiders, ever, for anything. I hate the Raiders like they were a team of 53 Jay Cutlers (which is a lot of missing chins, weak knees, and flapping vaginas). I hope their team dies of veneral disease, or even worse, moves to Los Angeles. Oakland fans buy tickets to a gangfight in the hopes a Raiders game will break out. And I will always hate a team run by the undead monster that is Al Davis:

A classical portrait of Al Dav--no wait, that's the CryptKeeper...

Al Davis, everybod--mmm, nope not him. One more try here annnd...

Holy SHIT, that's actually him?!?!

--Lastly, congrats to Ryan and Kyle for getting hitched last weekend. To women, not each other.

--Thanks to nearly everyone for getting their picks in, hope you enjoyed the update, and cheers to this week and Bobby's temporary reign as poolmaster!