Week 3: The Browntastrophe (Clevepacolypse? Vikataclysm?): A GIFtastic Voyage

Have any of you had the chance to travel through Ohio? There's a delightful little city along Lake Eerie--it's humming with industry, brimming with hope, and of course there's always the incredible tourism:

Hahaha.
Ha ha.
Haaaaaaaa....oh God...

Ugh, it hurts being this close to the depressing residue of that city, but here we are--at least, the 9 of us who chose the Vikings to do the right thing and beat the Browns.
3rd-string QB + No franchise RB + Team trying to bottom out for the 2014 draft = ...Cleveland Win!

Only the Browns could try so hard to intentionally suck and still screw it up. That level of choking would happen all the time back with the Norv Turner Chargers (and still does!). As bad as Cleveland is, at least they don't have to deal with Nor--huh? What's that? He's the coordinator of the...he's the OC?! WTF?!

NOORRRRRVVVV!!!

"You gonna punch this boy?....NORRVV!!...[sniff]"

I'm sorry--I can't help myself with these GIFs. They're amazing, and I can find one for every team, so we all win! (Mostly me, as it allows me to just mail in the rest of this post).

[Note: It'll be better if you have this video playing while you scroll down the page]

Arizona!

The football version of Frodo vs. Gollum in Mt. Doom

Atlanta!

Perfectly executed WWE-style Sidewalk Slam

Baltimore!

YUM YUM YUMMY YUMMY YUM YUM

Buffalo!

Carolina!

Choppa style, choppa choppa style

Chicago!

Jay Cutler!

Umm...Jay Cutler.

Cincinnati!

"Hey Jordy [giggle]...CUP CHECK"

Cleveland!

Brian throw ball! 

Dallas!

Witten's middle name? RALPH

Denver!

Everyone else has noticed this huge red mark he always gets, right? It's the Tri-Force!

Detroit!

"Ok set...settt-- WHAT THE EYYIFFF"

Green Bay/San Fran!

RabbleRabbleRabbleRabble

Houston!

Boy, he really GOT IN HIS HEAD

Indy!

I like how he bats it up like a cat. It's cute and endearing

Jacksonville!

"Put em up, put em UPPP"

KC!

He FOUND you, Mr. New Booty

Miami!

This is the same reaction I had when I found out Enrique doesn't say "loving you" in the chorus

Vikings!

More like Christian POUNDER, right? Amirite?

New England!

Easy there Tom--don't let Bobby or Purcell hear you say that

Nawlins!

Poor Brees got stiffed like a waiter serving Chris Hill

Giants!

PHIL SIMMS ON HOW TO NOT FUMBLE:
Step1: High and tight! Step2: Blank stare, lose all traces of humanity. Step3: Try to pinch opposite shoulder?

Jets!

Choppa style, choppa chop--HEY WAIT

Raaayyydaaz!

Al Davis has just taken possession of his body

Philly!

Oh snap

Yinzers!

POW right in the kisser

SD!

I spit hot fire!

Seattle!

Girl, I'll be your 12th man

Rams!

I ain't come to play SCHOOL

Tampa!

We hardly knew ye, Josh Freeman. You can always come play indoor soccer for The Ladybugs!

Titans!

Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast you can

Washington!

Sadly, right over Mike Remmers

Like Ryan said last week, pretty much every team is still a mystery, and that makes all this picking business way more infuriating exciting. Let's take a look at the bloodletting the Browns caused...

Quick Recap!

15 people are still partying!

13 people have a strike against them

4 people are flawless (Neil, Marcus, PK, Zahler)

Pick of the Week!

Um, everyone who won picked the Seahawks over the Jags, so....yeah. You crazy SOBs, just living by the roll of the dice!

Worst Pick of the Week

I guess it should be the Vikings since they decimated most of the PoolBoys, but since we're mostly still alive this honor goes to Paul Barth's meth-addled Bills pick. How bad are the Bills? Let's take a look at some recent game tapes:

The Bills are everyone but Luigi.

Not all runnings QBs are created equalj

What a way to go out, Paul.

Time to Say Goodbye

I just wanna tell you that I had enough; might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie

Barth and both Beldings! One's his brother, one just shares a last initial--either way, it's become clear that any connection at all to Justin Belding means you won't make it past Week 3 in the Pool Boy Pick 'Em. I don't have the privileges of bestowing the Donk Trophy for first person out, but at the very least Justin has the Money in the Bank briefcase and he can use it at any time in the next 12 months.

Sorry for taking so long, but hope you enjoyed the pretty pictures! Good luck next week, y'all

--Dan

Year 4

Week 1 and 2

Good day Pool Boys!  

We are off to a great start this year.  I want to first start off by welcoming the newcomers.  Nick “Still Politically Incorrect” Seed (don’t ever change btw), Sean “I’m groping teenagers in a run down bungalow that I pretend is a fraternity in NM” Belding and Mike “I’ll probably stupidly try and pick the Cowboys twice” Weiss.  From each of you I need some sort of terrible terrible picture of yourself for the blog.  What I mean by this is I need something that if a future employer ever stumbled upon this page you wouldn’t ever find a job again.  Get to it.

It’s been a stressful two weeks so far in the pick em league.  Almost every single game that has been chosen has gone down to the wire.  Pats v Bills, Colts v Al Davis’ Ghost (how was this game close?!).  Week 2 had Houston v Tenn (you lucky bastards),  Baltimore v the mistake by the lake (and no that wasn’t a jab at Trent’s sexual conquests), Pats v Jets.  I’m not sure how all of these sure things are becoming difficult to pick, but someone is going out this week.  I can feel it.  This is why the NFL is better than college football, and no its not because I'm a depressed Beaver fan.

Quick Recap!

20 people are still partying!

8 People have a strike against them

12 People are flawless

Week 1

Pick of the week!

Eh…Detroit I guess.  First game at the start of the season in conference is not usually a great way to roll, but in picking against Christian Ponder I trust…

Worst Pick of the Week

Tigard Trash folk Sean Belding and Erik Weiss!  I didn’t expect much from you, Erik as its about par for the course for you to make a bad decision early on, but Sean Belding???  Aren’t you like a nuclear engineer smart guy?  Come on man, Josh Freeman?  Greg Schiano?  What the hell have those guys given you over the years?  He didn't even show up for team pictures.  You think he's staying up late reading the playbook?  Do me a favor.  With your future picks don’t go ask your fraternity bro’s who you think is a lock that week.  I have a hard time believing football intelligence is something easy to come across in a place like New Mexico.  If you want to hear some yokel froth about how good Romo and the Cowboys are and how he got prodded by aliens once then by all means; he’s probably an expert.  He may even be able to tell you fun facts about Climate Change (is that what its called now?), but I wouldn't let them tell you about much else other then those 3 very true and believable things. 

Let’s keep this moving to week 2 as I don’t have much time to write this because I’m not paying for internet after 1 at this trade show and I’ve got a lot of mouth breathers wondering what this device is.

Pick of the Week!

Fox’s Chiefs coverage.  Nothing like Michelle Tafoya telling you that Tony Romo is eating a Chewy Granola Bar (nope, not joking).  The real question here should have been why this Chewy Granola bar wasn’t immediately shoved into Jerry Jones’ mouth.  Chewy stops the chatter, you guys.  Anyways, congrats to JWarren for picking the Raiders.  I will continue to invite fake work friends to this league until I win damnit.

Worst Pick of the Week!

There are two this week.  I’ll start with the Cowboys.  Mike, I’m glad you are in the league buddy.  We always need that irrational Cowboys fan to keep things incredibly irrational.  Fortunately, this year that doesn’t require someone threatening people’s lives and not paying, cause Mike paid.  Next year I’m going to make a clause that if you are a Cowboys fan you can pick the Cowboys as many times as you want.  It will always only be twice.  You also have to pay double for the privilege.  Good deal!  Honest!

Next are all you chumps who picked the Eagles!!!  Let’s roll call shall we? Paul Barth, John Galmiche, Justin Belding, Bobby Philbrook and Trent Striplin.  Just impeccable guys.  You really love the media hype machine.  Nothing like listening to Linda Cohen tell you how much of a lock that game is for that high flying Eagles offense.  Actually, I expected it from a few of you, like Belding and Bobby being huge Duck homers, but I expected more from you Barth and Trent.  You’re Beaver fans (Trent much more than others), get your crap together.  Remember, this is the same team who brought everyone back from last year and even lost pieces.  There are 3 huge warning signs here.  1 being that Ron Mexico is still your starting QB and when he inevitably gets hurt from running this offense Nick Foles comes in.  Can’t wait to see that speed keep defenses off balance.   

2) Chip Kelly still has bitch tits. 

Look at the stance!  Those pants!

3 don’t ever bet on a mediocre to bad team playing against a guy willing to pull this desperate shit.

http://boltbeat.com/2013/09/15/gif-philip-rivers-flops-like-lebron/

Yes, not once but two times.  Phillip Rivers everybody.  Give Dan a call and try and let him talk you into how good of a person he still is.

Leaving the Party...

 

No goodbyes yet this year, but we got 8 hot seats already.  Erik Weiss and Paul Barth in their usual spots.  Congrats to Belding and Heiny for making it past week 3 this year!  Yeeehaw!  Donk trophy is coming!

Next week’s writer is Dan Fitzpatrick!  I’d say send him your picks, but you don’t need to anymore and you would still send them to me anyways.  Remember when you assholes sent them to me on my wedding night and Honeymoon and wondered why you weren’t getting updates?  Just thought I’d bring it back up…

Don’t forget your picks this week.  Good job on doing it in advance this week, Neil.

McPoolmaster

Fun stat of the week…we’ve had 5,000 page views.  5,000 views mostly in the US of people seeing sex toys in Erik’s face, Trent peeing, and PK flexing.  Oh, and for whatever reason we have hits in Russia.

Week 9 and 10 (The Tie), Losers Re- Up

 Men, switching the format up this week.  We’ve got a lot to cover and hardly any of it has to do with picking football games.  Now let’s get to hungry eyes.  I must say I’ve never been more disappointed in a group of men.  Not one guess.  Not one guess at all.  Shameful, because these were the hungriest of eyes and you will all agree once you see this.  Those hungry eyes belong too....





 Marcus’ Arnold’s niece’s Daddy!!!  Lindsay Arnold forever unclean!   Now someone debate me how those aren’t the hungriest of eyes?  Look at the intent, the lust, the longing!  Baby daddy’s.  Gotta love em!  Stuuuupendous. 

Now down to business.  After talking with others it sounds like more people may be in town for Thanksgiving than Christmas so we decided we are having the first ever Pool Boy Pick Em Turkey Bowl sponsored by Marcus’ niece (soon to be Niece as she isn’t alive yet if you live in Bobby or Nick’s world).  We are going to play at the same field we did last year (Dan, can we get a sanitation AKA Goose poop check this weekend?) at I’m thiking 930 Friday after Thanksgiving.  This should one be enough time to get up as hopefully we all have a job these days that require waking before that hour, and it’s the day after Thanksgiving which we shouldn’t be missing half of you like last year because you couldn’t handle your ish.  I’m looking at you Millar.  Lamb showed up last year drunk and I dare say he may have been MVP.  Now this is tackle again gentlemen.  We’re keeping this tradition alive until someone’s leg falls off like Nick Lamb’s in PE.  So yet again you get another year of me throwing a ball at a wall jokes (go on, write it in the comment section, get it out), Heinrich’s not showing up because he decided to play with GU guys, Kevin Clarke hurting someone because he never learned to tackle and just DDT’s people, Bobby throwing grenades (Bobby being all time QB last year might have been the best decision we ever made), Bobby actually making a tackle???  Ok, I’m foreshadowing.  This guy has been diving at people’s feet more and more each year, it’s gonna happen.  I can feel it!  Someone will trip.  And to believe that guy played defense in HS.  Anyways, the game is on.  We need a head count.  We need a sanitation check, and we need Capri suns.  Who’s going to take Missy home the night before so we can have orange slices and Squeeze It’s on game day?  Trent, Marcus…looking at you bro’s.

On to week 9!  And the Commish’s Ruling for Week 10

There was only 1 person that lost this week, but I figured he deserved his own post.  That’s right gentlemen.  It’s all tied up!  Bobby Philbrook goes down!  His first loss of the season and what a glorious one!  The best part is he thought it was in the bag as it was revealed to me Bobby doesn’t read the post.  He assumed since he was stuck in his yahoo world there were only 3 people left with him.  The same guy who tried to steal and ruin this league doesn’t even read the posts!  Now it all makes sense.  Most of us here are for the camaraderie, but this guy is just straight in it for the duckets.  Friendships be damned. So we salute you sir.  While an impressive streak you are just like every other chump in here, except now you realize you at least have to look at the standings for this thing.  Thank you for literally making my post these two weeks.  I had nothing to write without you.  Also, the Redskins?  You put your first strike on the line because you wanted Obama to win that badly?  Guess we will really see how that works out for ya in 4 years.

The Picks

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Seagals	Win	1 Strike
Marcus Arnold			F'in Out!
Paul Barth			F'in Out!
Justin Belding	Lions	Win	1 Strike
Joe Church	Lions	Win	1 Strike
Ben Clark			F'in Out!
Kevin Clark			F'in Out!
Sam Finley			F'in Out!
Dan Fitzpatrick			F'in Out!
John Galmiche			F'in Out!
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs			F'in Out!
Neil Jubitz			F'in Out!
Pat Kelly	Chargers	Win	1 Strike
Nick Lamb			F'in Out!
Ryan McAndrew			F'in Out!
Drew Millar			F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Redskins	Loss	1 Strike
Kyle Shultz	Lions	Win	1 Strike
Dan Stone			F'in Out!
Trent Striplin			F'in Out!
Erik Weiss			F'in Out!
Paul Wilson			1 Strike
Michael Zahler	Chargers	Win	1 Strike

Week 10

This last week we saw a tie for the first time in our extensive history and for the first time this year people showed real interest in what was going on.  Joe Church, Bobby, everyone came out of the wood works.  What happens with a tie?!  We wouldn’t be in this mess if the Niners had just played a decent game or if the Rams could have just held on.  With all of that said, get that back up qb in there Niners.  Dude, looked decent, fast and way better then Alex Smith.  Time to take the next step…calm down Nick!  No…don’t call my home phone and yell at my Mom over this.  Relax its not personal!  Chill out! Don’t use the comment section to blast me for this (use the comment section guys)! He isn’t your brother, I promise you have no blood lines!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Well I guess it comes down to the old commish.  I was weighing my options, really relying on my conscious, trying to block out all the outside noises.  Mostly Bobby pleading with me to give Paul Andrews a strike.  The guy has a back bone that would make Paul Wilson’s wang look big. Anyways, my ruling is it isn’t a loss per say and I was surprised I had neglected to put it in the rules previously.  Error on my part.  My ruling is that if you picked the Rams to lose or the Niners to win you aren’t out, yet.  It wasn’t a loss and if you are a Niner’s fan certainly not a victory, but I have a hard time counting that as an out.  I went back to the rules and I never stated picking a winner, it was more along the lines of don’t pick a loser, to which no one lost.  Now before the 7 guys still in the Pick Em get in a huff over what happened, realize had I ruled in the opposite direction it would have benefited my chances to win the Re Up league as many people picked the Rams to lose and I did not.  It could have been easy money.  Anyways, I’m sure it will make people unhappy one way or the other, but that is the direction I’m going.  I’m not Goodell so a decent argument could sway me and I leave it open to discussion.  Leave your comments in the comment section.  Post written by email will be discredited and not read (much like anything Paul Wilson writes). 

Anyways here are the picks.

Name	Pick	Standing	Position
Paul Andrews	Niners		1 Strike
Marcus Arnold			F'in Out!
Paul Barth			F'in Out!
Justin Belding	Steelers		1 Strike
Joe Church	Seagals		1 Strike
Ben Clark			F'in Out!
Kevin Clark			F'in Out!
Sam Finley			F'in Out!
Dan Fitzpatrick			F'in Out!
John Galmiche			F'in Out!
Nick "Hollywood" Heinrichs			F'in Out!
Neil Jubitz			F'in Out!
Pat Kelly	Pats		1 Strike
Nick Lamb			F'in Out!
Ryan McAndrew			F'in Out!
Drew Millar			F'in Out!
Bobby Philbrook	Steelers		1 Strike
Kyle Shultz	Steelers		1 Strike
Dan Stone			F'in Out!
Trent Striplin			F'in Out!
Erik Weiss			F'in Out!
Paul Wilson			1 Strike
Michael Zahler	Steelers		1 Strike

Loser’s Re Up is below this.

 Men.  I need payment.  You know where I’m at.  Church, you should have been making picks.  I just added it on to your rent anyways.

Week 9

Player	Pick	Result	Standing
Paul Andrews	Browns	Loss
Marcus Arnold	Eagles	Loss
Kevin Clarke	Browns	Loss
Dan Fitzpatrick	Jags	Loss
Ryan McAndrew	Bills	Loss
Justin Warren	Bills	Loss
Erik Weiss	Browns	Loss
Michael Zahler	Bills	Loss

Week 10

Player	Pick	Result	Standing
Paul Andrews	Browns	Loss	Jags
Marcus Arnold	Eagles	Loss	Rams
Kevin Clarke	Browns	Loss	Panthers
Dan Fitzpatrick	Jags	Loss	Rams
Ryan McAndrew	Bills	Loss	Chargers
Justin Warren	Bills	Loss	Rams
Erik Weiss	Browns	Loss	Bills
Michael Zahler	Bills	Loss	Chiefs

Uneventful.  The amount of people that should have been hosed by the Niners and Steelers is upsetting.

Hungry EYES!

That’s right folks another week another set of…..Hunnnngry Eeeyyyeeess.  Que the sleezy sax please.  These eyes are also some of the hungriest we have ever seen in our brief Pick Em history.  Men watch out.  These eyes could devour you, especially a few in particular.  Get the right pick and you may win a prize!  Go get those hungry eyes!

So much want...

  

To finish.  Re Uppers I need payment.  I need responses for football.  I need hungry eyes picks or ideas.  And I need to call Dan and Belding out for yet to write a post.  Until further notice it is your job and you are failing!  How many weeks has it been Dan?!

Also, the Niners shirt is not up for grabs.  I needed at least 10 people to be willing to part with it and 8 isn’t enough.

Enjoy your weekend.  I look forward to seeing you all on Friday!

McPoolMaster