Couldnt do a blog. Too many technology problems. Here's a long email with a spreadsheet attached instead. Scroll down if you want to skip the bullshit. Forward to anybody missing.
WEEK 5 UPDATE: THE DAY SHIT GOT REAL
Bobby: I'm going to need some backup on this one....
Ben: Yep, I’ll be the “Wildcat” back, a la Eric Crouch, to Bobby’s Chad Pennington this week…and in case you’re wondering what happened to that Great White Hope (Crouch), he’s splitting snaps with Jeremiah Massoli chucking ducks to Noel Divine and Maurice Clarett…I know this because last Saturday I invested the initial three hours of my night reeling on MDMA at Sam Boyd Stadium watching the Jim Tressel-lead Locos fend off the Nighthawks of Omaha. Yikes.
Bobby: Ben, I feel like I’m the only one who knows anything about you anymore… the only person who knows that any winnings you take from this pool are going straight up a straw.
Ben: What can I say, I like to party... I’m kicking my portion of this week’s blog off by responding to McAndrew’s selection of my Week 3 pick of Patriots over Bills as the worst pick of the week. It’s an understatement to say I deserve the crown as those faggots from Beantown not only butt-fucked me in the pick ‘em pool, but also on a parlay:
(INSERT PHOTO OF BEN'S PARLAY TICKET)
however, BigMac chose to take things to the next level in a feeble attempt to rouse my social media demons lying dormant with such buzzwords as: “death threat,” “Claire Hanway.” and lastly “Kim Cassinelli.” Perhaps I am alone in this school of thought as it IS my first season in this League, but already the blog’s weekly formula for cheap laughs seems comparable to that same shitty formula employed by the creative minds behind Entourage in its declining seasons.
Check it out: an episode of Entourage equals an $80k+vehicle, a cum-dumpster with tit and/or taint shot, a B-list celebrity, a B-list athlete, and a hipster drug reference. One of Ryan’s posts equals a ripped off Bill Simmons reference (pool bloggers nodding vigorously), a reference to an obscure slot receiver and/or running back from the late 90’s/early 2000, another reference to a novel Metro League athlete and/or All Star from a Jesuit yearbook, and lastly a ripped off Bill Simmons reference (pool bloggers still nodding vigorously).
Ryan, your analogies are about as forced as my CYO layups and your support for those analogies makes about as much sense as me trying to walk Karen Love through how Ben Clark FOIL’s binomials.
Bobby: First off, calling out Ryan for ripping off Simmons is ironic considering we stole this “back and forth” format from Bill’s interviews with Cousin Sal. Second, only SOME of us ponied up 20 bucks. Go on Wikipedia and print out the instructions for buying a stamp and get a check in the mail before Ryan kicks your ass out.
Ben: I's kidding, that formula is why we all ponied up a mere $20 in the first place. Paige Lee. Back to football. Julianne Lewis.
Bobby: Right. This week wasn't all that funny. Dan Fitzpatrick killed Al Davis. I literally read that post 30 minutes before seeing that Al had spun his dradle for the last time and was now measuring 40 times from the big kibutz in the sky. You have blood on your hands, Dan. Seriously, I haven't felt that bad since I went to dinner at JOPA before Homecoming and caught a glimpse of Bennet Heames wearing a greasy smock, sweating like he had just blew up a 23 Blast on the scout team. Here I was trying to bust a slump in my dockers and rayon tie, and he was stuffin' cannellonis in a freaking kitchen. God bless the poor kids at Jesuit.
Ben: Dockers? Rayon tie? You’re a list of fashion fumbles! Sounds like Junior year Bobby could have benefited from the Van Heusen Institute of Style…sure you come as a shlub…but you leave, with SWAGGER. Khakis to JOPA? You left it open over the middle? What a shlub! I suppose all that really matters is you had enough pocket presence to let your Honey Badger loose in the ever-so-small backseat off the mootang. Parisa Javedani.
Bobby: On to the picks: if there are any problems or irregularities, contact Ryan. I won't lie, I was about as organized this week as a NCAA pool run by Ben Clark and Rob Castelllano.
Ben: Ghost of Lauren Alcantar
Bobby: You stay classy. Picks! (OPEN THE SPREADSHEET NOW!)
You woats took one look at the "Latest Line" in Tuesday's Oregonian and went with Eli and Co. I'll admit that it looked good (NFC worst team going east against a 3-1 team), but it never passed the smell test. Unfortunately, losing in Week 5 doesn't even net you a set of steak knives. Your "prize" is a date with some autistic cub scouts and Marcus's cousins (2:10) at the next filming of Ramblin' Rod!
Pick Of The Week:
Ummm Ben Clark? Sure, Justin taking the 0-4 vikings had that "I don't give a fuck", homeless-chic thing going for it, but Ben's pick was downright cold. That pick had "fuck you guys, I dont want to hear from any of you for another 5 years" written all over it. And the delivery! Sure, that picture email was a little late. 9:59 would have been funnier. But he beat the deadline and told me he was going SEAHAWKS before kickoff. Amazing.
Ben: The buy-in was only $20…why not run the chuck and pray under the assumption everyone else would be wrong? Sending a picture of my Squawks moneyline ticket @+350 felt that much better.
WHERE WE STAND:
Ladies and Gentlemen, only Marcus, Ryan Purcell, and Pat Kelly remain flawless. Marcus hasnt made a bold move since he ordered honey mustard with his chicken fingers three years ago. Ryan Purcell hasn't made a pick in two weeks. And Pat Kelly... God bless pat kelly.