Week 3: The Browntastrophe (Clevepacolypse? Vikataclysm?): A GIFtastic Voyage

Have any of you had the chance to travel through Ohio? There's a delightful little city along Lake Eerie--it's humming with industry, brimming with hope, and of course there's always the incredible tourism:

Hahaha.
Ha ha.
Haaaaaaaa....oh God...

Ugh, it hurts being this close to the depressing residue of that city, but here we are--at least, the 9 of us who chose the Vikings to do the right thing and beat the Browns.
3rd-string QB + No franchise RB + Team trying to bottom out for the 2014 draft = ...Cleveland Win!

Only the Browns could try so hard to intentionally suck and still screw it up. That level of choking would happen all the time back with the Norv Turner Chargers (and still does!). As bad as Cleveland is, at least they don't have to deal with Nor--huh? What's that? He's the coordinator of the...he's the OC?! WTF?!

NOORRRRRVVVV!!!

"You gonna punch this boy?....NORRVV!!...[sniff]"

I'm sorry--I can't help myself with these GIFs. They're amazing, and I can find one for every team, so we all win! (Mostly me, as it allows me to just mail in the rest of this post).

[Note: It'll be better if you have this video playing while you scroll down the page]

Arizona!

The football version of Frodo vs. Gollum in Mt. Doom

Atlanta!

Perfectly executed WWE-style Sidewalk Slam

Baltimore!

YUM YUM YUMMY YUMMY YUM YUM

Buffalo!

Carolina!

Choppa style, choppa choppa style

Chicago!

Jay Cutler!

Umm...Jay Cutler.

Cincinnati!

"Hey Jordy [giggle]...CUP CHECK"

Cleveland!

Brian throw ball! 

Dallas!

Witten's middle name? RALPH

Denver!

Everyone else has noticed this huge red mark he always gets, right? It's the Tri-Force!

Detroit!

"Ok set...settt-- WHAT THE EYYIFFF"

Green Bay/San Fran!

RabbleRabbleRabbleRabble

Houston!

Boy, he really GOT IN HIS HEAD

Indy!

I like how he bats it up like a cat. It's cute and endearing

Jacksonville!

"Put em up, put em UPPP"

KC!

He FOUND you, Mr. New Booty

Miami!

This is the same reaction I had when I found out Enrique doesn't say "loving you" in the chorus

Vikings!

More like Christian POUNDER, right? Amirite?

New England!

Easy there Tom--don't let Bobby or Purcell hear you say that

Nawlins!

Poor Brees got stiffed like a waiter serving Chris Hill

Giants!

PHIL SIMMS ON HOW TO NOT FUMBLE:
Step1: High and tight! Step2: Blank stare, lose all traces of humanity. Step3: Try to pinch opposite shoulder?

Jets!

Choppa style, choppa chop--HEY WAIT

Raaayyydaaz!

Al Davis has just taken possession of his body

Philly!

Oh snap

Yinzers!

POW right in the kisser

SD!

I spit hot fire!

Seattle!

Girl, I'll be your 12th man

Rams!

I ain't come to play SCHOOL

Tampa!

We hardly knew ye, Josh Freeman. You can always come play indoor soccer for The Ladybugs!

Titans!

Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast you can

Washington!

Sadly, right over Mike Remmers

Like Ryan said last week, pretty much every team is still a mystery, and that makes all this picking business way more infuriating exciting. Let's take a look at the bloodletting the Browns caused...

Quick Recap!

15 people are still partying!

13 people have a strike against them

4 people are flawless (Neil, Marcus, PK, Zahler)

Pick of the Week!

Um, everyone who won picked the Seahawks over the Jags, so....yeah. You crazy SOBs, just living by the roll of the dice!

Worst Pick of the Week

I guess it should be the Vikings since they decimated most of the PoolBoys, but since we're mostly still alive this honor goes to Paul Barth's meth-addled Bills pick. How bad are the Bills? Let's take a look at some recent game tapes:

The Bills are everyone but Luigi.

Not all runnings QBs are created equalj

What a way to go out, Paul.

Time to Say Goodbye

I just wanna tell you that I had enough; might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie

Barth and both Beldings! One's his brother, one just shares a last initial--either way, it's become clear that any connection at all to Justin Belding means you won't make it past Week 3 in the Pool Boy Pick 'Em. I don't have the privileges of bestowing the Donk Trophy for first person out, but at the very least Justin has the Money in the Bank briefcase and he can use it at any time in the next 12 months.

Sorry for taking so long, but hope you enjoyed the pretty pictures! Good luck next week, y'all

--Dan

Year 4

Week 1 and 2

Good day Pool Boys!  

We are off to a great start this year.  I want to first start off by welcoming the newcomers.  Nick “Still Politically Incorrect” Seed (don’t ever change btw), Sean “I’m groping teenagers in a run down bungalow that I pretend is a fraternity in NM” Belding and Mike “I’ll probably stupidly try and pick the Cowboys twice” Weiss.  From each of you I need some sort of terrible terrible picture of yourself for the blog.  What I mean by this is I need something that if a future employer ever stumbled upon this page you wouldn’t ever find a job again.  Get to it.

It’s been a stressful two weeks so far in the pick em league.  Almost every single game that has been chosen has gone down to the wire.  Pats v Bills, Colts v Al Davis’ Ghost (how was this game close?!).  Week 2 had Houston v Tenn (you lucky bastards),  Baltimore v the mistake by the lake (and no that wasn’t a jab at Trent’s sexual conquests), Pats v Jets.  I’m not sure how all of these sure things are becoming difficult to pick, but someone is going out this week.  I can feel it.  This is why the NFL is better than college football, and no its not because I'm a depressed Beaver fan.

Quick Recap!

20 people are still partying!

8 People have a strike against them

12 People are flawless

Week 1

Pick of the week!

Eh…Detroit I guess.  First game at the start of the season in conference is not usually a great way to roll, but in picking against Christian Ponder I trust…

Worst Pick of the Week

Tigard Trash folk Sean Belding and Erik Weiss!  I didn’t expect much from you, Erik as its about par for the course for you to make a bad decision early on, but Sean Belding???  Aren’t you like a nuclear engineer smart guy?  Come on man, Josh Freeman?  Greg Schiano?  What the hell have those guys given you over the years?  He didn't even show up for team pictures.  You think he's staying up late reading the playbook?  Do me a favor.  With your future picks don’t go ask your fraternity bro’s who you think is a lock that week.  I have a hard time believing football intelligence is something easy to come across in a place like New Mexico.  If you want to hear some yokel froth about how good Romo and the Cowboys are and how he got prodded by aliens once then by all means; he’s probably an expert.  He may even be able to tell you fun facts about Climate Change (is that what its called now?), but I wouldn't let them tell you about much else other then those 3 very true and believable things. 

Let’s keep this moving to week 2 as I don’t have much time to write this because I’m not paying for internet after 1 at this trade show and I’ve got a lot of mouth breathers wondering what this device is.

Pick of the Week!

Fox’s Chiefs coverage.  Nothing like Michelle Tafoya telling you that Tony Romo is eating a Chewy Granola Bar (nope, not joking).  The real question here should have been why this Chewy Granola bar wasn’t immediately shoved into Jerry Jones’ mouth.  Chewy stops the chatter, you guys.  Anyways, congrats to JWarren for picking the Raiders.  I will continue to invite fake work friends to this league until I win damnit.

Worst Pick of the Week!

There are two this week.  I’ll start with the Cowboys.  Mike, I’m glad you are in the league buddy.  We always need that irrational Cowboys fan to keep things incredibly irrational.  Fortunately, this year that doesn’t require someone threatening people’s lives and not paying, cause Mike paid.  Next year I’m going to make a clause that if you are a Cowboys fan you can pick the Cowboys as many times as you want.  It will always only be twice.  You also have to pay double for the privilege.  Good deal!  Honest!

Next are all you chumps who picked the Eagles!!!  Let’s roll call shall we? Paul Barth, John Galmiche, Justin Belding, Bobby Philbrook and Trent Striplin.  Just impeccable guys.  You really love the media hype machine.  Nothing like listening to Linda Cohen tell you how much of a lock that game is for that high flying Eagles offense.  Actually, I expected it from a few of you, like Belding and Bobby being huge Duck homers, but I expected more from you Barth and Trent.  You’re Beaver fans (Trent much more than others), get your crap together.  Remember, this is the same team who brought everyone back from last year and even lost pieces.  There are 3 huge warning signs here.  1 being that Ron Mexico is still your starting QB and when he inevitably gets hurt from running this offense Nick Foles comes in.  Can’t wait to see that speed keep defenses off balance.   

2) Chip Kelly still has bitch tits. 

Look at the stance!  Those pants!

3 don’t ever bet on a mediocre to bad team playing against a guy willing to pull this desperate shit.

http://boltbeat.com/2013/09/15/gif-philip-rivers-flops-like-lebron/

Yes, not once but two times.  Phillip Rivers everybody.  Give Dan a call and try and let him talk you into how good of a person he still is.

Leaving the Party...

 

No goodbyes yet this year, but we got 8 hot seats already.  Erik Weiss and Paul Barth in their usual spots.  Congrats to Belding and Heiny for making it past week 3 this year!  Yeeehaw!  Donk trophy is coming!

Next week’s writer is Dan Fitzpatrick!  I’d say send him your picks, but you don’t need to anymore and you would still send them to me anyways.  Remember when you assholes sent them to me on my wedding night and Honeymoon and wondered why you weren’t getting updates?  Just thought I’d bring it back up…

Don’t forget your picks this week.  Good job on doing it in advance this week, Neil.

McPoolmaster

Fun stat of the week…we’ve had 5,000 page views.  5,000 views mostly in the US of people seeing sex toys in Erik’s face, Trent peeing, and PK flexing.  Oh, and for whatever reason we have hits in Russia.